fully alive, more than most-ready to smile and love life. fully alive,and she knows how to beleive in futures.... 

Current Mood: groggy

you'll shut up,and stay sleeeeping,with my screaming in your itching ears....you sink into my clothes, this invasion makes me feel hopeless, worhthless.sick. i'm so sick,infected with where i live. let me live wihout this emptyness.worthlessness.selfishness...i'm so-i'm so sick! i'm so...i'm so sick

Current Mood: cranky

hey  people! i hope everyone is doing quite well. this is a new week for me and it's my birthday next saturday, so i'm hoping i can make it all week without binging. i think we have a few drug rep lunches this week so it will be hard to maintain a full on fast. i want to get a fat free latte tomorrow so i can put a few packets of miralax in it. i think i'll take a couple more amitiza before i go to bed too, but it makes me so nauseous and i've been drinking tonight too, so i don't know how good an idea that is. i really want to be 122 by my birthday...i don't know if i can get there in time though. i was a pretty good girl today- aside from the rum i've had. i also took 2 percocette so pardon any spelling errors = )  i feel really good, but it's only cuz i'm rocked right now. i can hardly type! 


i did really good this week. i managed to get down to 125.6 on friday, but my boyfriend feeds me well, so i think i gained back up to at least 130. i should be able to get back to 125 by wednesday if i keep laxing and drinking lots of water in the mean time. i am making a public pact not to eat anything but vegetable matter by my birthday. he's taking me to this brazillian reastaurant that has a really awesome salad bar and the waiters bring you meat off of a spit to your plate at the table. you have a block on your table with a  red and a green side on it. if you want them to stop coming by with the meat then you turn it to the red side, and keep the green side showing if you want them to keep cutting pieces of meat off the spit into your plate. it sounds really good and i'm excited cuz i haven't had red meat in almost 2 months. i'm going to make sure i bring lots of miralax home with me on friday so i can purge it all out of me after. 


i really want to get down to 120 by memorial day weekend. i think i can as long as i don't give in to red meat and alcohol. i love my rum though! what's a skinny bitch to do?!

i fit in my size 3 jeans again though

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: 5 finger death punch

i managed to make myself a salad that had nearly 140 cals and weighed damn near 1.5lbs in and of itself!!! i suppose i have re-discovered that it does not matter what is going in my mouth, i can always find a way to make it too much. at least it wasn't an equivalent serving of chocolate pudding!!! i could very easily have done that as well. i don't expect to see my scale go down tomorrow, but i'm still gonna have my eggwhites for breakfast. skipping breakfast is a major no-no for me. if that is the only meal i have in a day, then so be it.

needless to say, that salad has plastered itself along the inner lining of my half paralyzed stomach and small bowel, and now i have the most exquisite back pain and nausea. i know i won't vomit, that's a function reserved for migraine pain. i can't even get ill when i have a flu or drink too much alcohol. perhaps i should have had a bowl of chocolate pudding, chocolate is one of my most noturious migraine triggers...then i would have vomited and most of the calories would have been negated!

i'm not going to stress over binging on spinach and hot peppers though. i know once i "go" it'll all be gone anyway. i've been doing fairly well off this past week or so. i think i'm going to be getting my period soon though. i kinda like it, my resting bmr goes up and i actually end up losing more weight when i eat sensibly- sensibly meaning less than 750 cals in a day.

i can't beleive that 3 years ago today i was 237lbs. if i hadn't joined project shape shift, i would have never gotten "better", meaning better than being 237lbs. 108lbs lighter and later, here i am. nearly half the woman i used to be, and i'm still not satisfied- only because i was 112 this past august and was less than half the woman i used to be. i want that back. i know it won't be that hard either. i've already done so much better, but i'd really like to be a functional part of this community...i fear it may be the only way i can realistically get back to where i was.

that's a bit selfish though. i can't count how many times i've just wanted to reach through the internet and hug someone, because i know how badly it was needed.

Current Location: the 'puter desk
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: lip gloss and black-atreyu

i am so effing pumped!  i ate like crap this weekend. on monday, i weighed 137...grrr. on monday, i ate an eggwhite ommelete for breakfast with pinapple salsa on it (45cal, no fat, no carbs!), a dinky salad for lunch, about 60cals, and i broke down when i got home....i ate a whole bunch of easter chocolates and 6 milk chocolate dipped peeps, 3 pancakes, alfredo noodles,and another dinky salad. i prolly ate around 2500cals all day. throughout the day i had 6-17gm packets of miralax and 2 amitiza. 

on tuesday, i weighed 134! score, i lost weight. so, i ate the same breakfast, the same lunch, and i had a packet of organic baby carrots(25cal, no fat...) and i had 4 packets of miralax and 4 amitiza.

this morning i was down to 130.5!!! today i had the same breakfast, the same lunch, and half a box of green giant veggies(40cals, 1gm fat.) one of the drug reps came and brought hot chocolate and cookies from dunkin donuts. i took 2 sips of my hot chocolate, and dumped the rest down the sink. my boss saw that my hot chocolate was gone and said" i would have chugged mine that fast if all i had to eat today was what you had!". i had a cup of cinnamon tea and that's about it for today.

i think i might make it well under 130 for friday!!! super cool. i really want to try and get down to 120 by april 19th. i know i won't keep loosing at this same rate, so i don't know how realistic that is. i would be satisfied at 124. i feel almost ok at 124 after being above 130 for over 2 months.

my boyfriend is proud of me too, but he doesn't quite get the extreme i go to. he wants to make me a grilled chicken salad for dinner on friday, and then we're supposed to go out and play pool. that means a couple of drinks. i think i'll just eat the greens in my salad and have maybe 2 diet cokes with malibu. lord knows that will be enough to get me tanked at this rate. i think part of the reason i've been doing so good this week is because i haven't been drinking every night like i have been, and i'm eating throughout the day. 

i actually feel pretty good about myself for once. i know i can keep this up, i just hope my metabolism doesn't catch on too quickly.

i really hope i get accepted here soon. i've seen some people who've been waiting since october to get on...reading posts is only so inspirational. i want to be able to truly interact with the masses. i want to help others and be helped,too. goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the bedbugs bite!!!

Current Mood: accomplished

maybe if i post my stats i'll be more likely to be accepted here...


age: turning 26 april 19th

ht: 5'4"

hw: 237(2 years ago)

lw: 107(8 years ago, 114 about a year ago)

cw: 132

gw: 117 by april 19th

gw2: 110 by june 15th

gw3: 105 by august 28th

i usually don't consume more that 600 cals a day. i frequently use laxatives, as i have IBS with chronic constipation and colonic inertia anyway. usually it's miralax, and i have anywhere from 51gm-153gm daily. the usual daily recommended dose is 17-34gm daily for no more than 7 consecutive days. i also occasionally take a prescription laxative called amitiza. the daily recommended dose of that is 24mcg(micrograms) twice a day. i usually take 288mcg all at once cuz it makes me puke. i can't make myself puke anymore. i've completely desensitized my gag reflex.

i work for a gastro doctor so i have access to all kinds of prescription strength laxatives. i haven't been the same since zelnorm was taken off the market. that was my miracle!!! i wish i could have it back. i had a stroke while i was pregnant with my son, so even if it did come back on the market in full force, i couldn't ever get a doctor to write me a script for it. it got taken off the market due to an increased instance of cardiac events and CVA's in women with no past medical history or indication of such problems. 

i really hope the maintaners decide that i'm a worthy candidate of this community. i need you guys as much as you could possibly need me! 

i have a plethora of knowlege and i want to help others as much as i need the help of others to reach my ultimate goal...eventhough i know that once i get there, i'll want to loose 3 more lbs, then try for double digit turn over, then why the hell not wheigh 93lbs, and why not try to make my period stop...

i know there is no end in sight. i just want to offer support and encouragement to anyone that needs it. i'm reputable. please help me help you all!!!

"never let the person you are defeat the person you're trying to be...don't let the outside swing too far from where you want to be..." atreyu-creature

i  don't want to seem like a stalker or anything, but i neeeed to get into this community! i don't think anyone realises what an asset i would be. i am a really good listener, i'm very supportive, very motivated and i know lots of tips and tricks. i work for a gastro doctor and i basically explain to patients all day how to cleanse their colons for preparation of colonoscopies...so i KNOW  how the most beneficial and safest ways there are to cleanse the body with over the counter products. i've been ana/mia/coe since i was 13. i've been everywhere from 237lbs to 107 and back over the past 12 years of my life. if there was anyone who could help around here, it's me!!!! and i want to help!...and i need help to stay on track. i used to belong to project shapeshift. it got torn down during one of my recovery periods and now  more than ever, i need the community engagement and support that could be offered here. 

please find it in your heart to accept me in this community. i know i'm a bit older than most of the current patrons, but i am truly dedicated to supporting and making new friends. i promise i will not bash,crash, or berate anyone. i've been a fatty, i've been a stick figure. i've lost friends and even had a miscarriage due to this disease/lifestyle/whatever you choose to portray it as. i've gone more than 37 days without consuming more than 200cals a day. i've taken so many laxatives that my bowel has reverted into itself, causing me to need emergency surgery.

as far as this place is concerned, i am a sage- the patron saint of fucked up eaters...you need me as much as i need you all!!! you don't know how many times i've read post on here and wished i could have given someone a verbal hug and couldn't because i'm "viewing" this community. i feel i could have made alot of better days for alot of great people if i was "in".

so, i plead, let me be part of this community. i'm not here to be anyone's dr, den mother,coconspirator,et al...just a friend with alot of useful advise and personal experience to share. that's what's gotten me as far as i have come and i feel i owe it to others to be there for them as well.

Current Mood: anxious